Growing up...

"When the going gets weird,
the weird turn pro."

Hunter S. Thompson

"As long as I surrounded myself in scaffolding and labelled myself a work in progress,
nobody could ever accuse me of not being done."
Samuel W. Fussell
Muscle: Confessions of an Unlikely BodyBuilder
Harper Paperbacks, August, 1992

Lessons from Lake Geneva Triathlon, September 11, 1999, Pre-Diagnosis

Arriving late @ the race with my bike jammed in the backseat, I lost my newly acquired bike computer that I had learned to rely upon. The computer gave me a sense of control over the ride, showing me distance, speed and cadence. I found the computer three years later stuffed under the seat of the car while cleaning it prior to sale.

Already stressed for time, I had to assemble what was left of my bike and race off to registration. While hunting for parking, I saw a sleek, infinetely long row of shiny SUV's with bike carriers and perfect looking triathletes ready for the day on what I must admit now, in retrospect, was a beautiful and perfect summer day for racing. I want to be one of them, was the only thought on my mind.


Look at them: early for the day's event, relaxed, warmed-up, prepared and fully equipped. They've got good jobs and the money to buy SUV's for weekends of racing. They look good together, a unit, knowing.

So began my initiation to transition out of what I was into what I wanted to be, based only on the image of a golden morning shining upon competitors looking for thrills at dawn instead of the recesses of the night as I was conditioned to. Remember also when the dawn of the night and its revelations were glowing and mystifying in their enchantments.

The race went poorly, as I've desrcribed, but it was the decision to pursue a new triathlete image and lifestyle that was the lesson of the day.

I came home determined to grow out of my meanial, meaningless computer technician job at the University, a job I once adored but had grown out of due to lack of challenge, activity and income and find something with a salary that would provide the lifestyle I desired. I signed up through work for a Systems Administrator class that was a large undertaking, primarily due to my coworker.

He was a nasty alcoholic, showing up at work drunk regularly and often disappearing to the library for hours on end to sleep. My class was in a remote suburb, M-F, 8 am - 12 pm and, ideally, would give me the knowledge, skills, abilities and credentials necessary to make $75,000/yr. All I had to do was do the work, a familiar theme.

This was the fall semester of 1999, when the dot.com world was peaking and industry was screaming for IT pros. My director loved the idea of having me qualified to run the network and the ambition I showed in taking on the challenge. He was from NY. Enough said.

My coworker was pissed off, whiny, needy and disagreeable. He hated the idea. He wanted to come in late, sleep and get drunk while I acted responsibly. Too bad for him. I took the class.

Each morning, I rose at dawn in my quiet south side home with a purpose, which was quite a change. All I had to do was show up and learn. The class was taught through the University so there was no tuition fee and, while at the remote campus, I inherited the responsibilty of managing that building's electronics lab, independently, mind you. I had already quit basketball and was focused on the class.

The first few weeks went well, even in the face of escalating resentment from my coworker. Then I started taking days off from school. Just once a week to begin, and not without what seemed to be sufficient reason. Traffic was more than I could deal with, I needed more time to study, I could learn on my own, my teacher wasn't very good.

Then I started sleeping in on a regular basis. I don't recall the details, but one day I realized I hadn't showed up in weeks and became embarrassed to show up again. When I did, people laughed. I thought I was committed to the class and the lifestyle change it promised. I thought I demonstrated purpose. I failed. I was embarrassed again and once again my peers were mocking me. I showed up enough to complete the class and pass the exams, I have no idea how. That was always my story as a student. During this time I sought treatment for ADD and not living to my potential.